I rarely post on LJ. But I'll try.

and you wake up in the morning to find out
you are not
you are not who
you are not who you used to be







i'm sorry.

i haven't had a positive entry since february 10th

i feel like shit today
and i've been feeling like shit almost every day



i spent all my money last night on things i didn't want or need






and it's funny



our blood could have been giant pools spilling over the pavement



but it didn't really matter then

it doesn't really matter now

and even after all that
"do you see him a lot? or is he not important"

"Yeah I see him almost every day. And yes. He's very important."




this is wrong and i'm sick so sick of it

i slept badly last night

i finally woke up to stomach pains and too-bright light







and i felt totally empty



and i feel totally alone

i don't know where i am
i don't know where i've been


but i




know where i want to go

i can taste smoke on my lips and in my mouth and smell it on my skin
yeah, yeah, yeah

the more i try, the more i fail

i'm feeling very on-edge today
and i have no idea why



 



when in truth, i know exactly why
and i'm saying that as an attempt to bring my current perspective out from under the floorboards

i could not even take the last entry that i wrote - i had to delete it


i don't care how true it is
i will not put myself out there like that again





i feel like i'm constantly floating between mindsets of the extreme


the highs are the highest
the lows are the lowest



i can breathe and i feel happy

but this isn't the right kind of air




it's not too much

it's not too little


it just isn't right




 

i can still look at this situation and say that it's not forever
 

that makes me feel pretty good

there is this voice screaming i want to be a fucking island in the back of my mind
today i've gone through every emotion in the spectrum

when i woke up, i couldn't even feel anything at all





i feel so imperfect and impermanent





i'm disappointed in myself
because all of this is just because of you






if i learned to breathe on my own, i would not have to live through this over and over and over again

i thoought sacrifice might mean something

the wounds throb even though they're not real yet

would you reach inside them to uncover the secret?

you try to tell me but your tongue feels severed